Let the eyeball-rollathon commence! Here's another '80s kid lamenting the Idea Fairy's clipped wings.
It was (once again) Target time. I was expecting tissues, aluminum foil and dish detergent, but not this...
Sigh. Well...what took them so long?
Following my dumbfounded gaze, my daughter saw this on the shelf and said, "What's wrong, Mommy?" I didn't want to get into it with her because I figured it would heighten her curiosity to the point of possibly begging to buy it. Funny, because she has a "vintage" Rainbow Brite 7-inch record at home and didn't even realize that the two entities were in any way related. And it's easy to see why...
So, they trade the cute chubby face and star-shaped freckle for rhinoplasty, chola brows and a prison-style teardrop tattoo? The only hold-overs are the side ponytail and those fabulous boots.
Why can't dolls go full-on retro, the way fashion has? Stores aren't modernizing acid wash, slouchy T's, or shoulder-padded blazers; they're just prying open the crates that had been gathering dust in a warehouse ever since the trends' first wave. Why not a straight-up re-up of what was on '80s toy shelves? The cuteness and cuddliness that had me whining for a Rainbow Brite Halloween costume when I was seven? I could easily see it standing the test of time. After all, why does the lovable shepherd of the world's color spectrum need to look like she's going to a rainbow party? (Hmm...that was possibly out of bounds, but since I just found out what that phenomenon was — like, minutes ago — I went ahead and took it there!)
This is yet another drop in the bucket. There has been a steady stream of time-warping toy makeovers in the past five years. It's one thing to scoff when you read about these goings-on in trend reports and articles. It's a whole 'nother barrel of brightly-colored plastic to have to shell out money for the stuff.
First, they stole Holly Hobby's apron and replaced it with Forever 21 separates. Then, this...
The miniaturization of damn-near everything! There are more teeny, tiny My Little Pony pizza slices and cell phones and rollerskates under-foot in my house (not to mention, inside my Dyson) than I care to mention. And these new all-plastic additions to the MLP legacy rob kids of the quintessential joy of owning the horses in the first place...combing their hair!
And then they Lolitized Strawberry Shortcake.
Orthopedic shoes, split ends and ruddy cheeks (hard-earned from the grueling task of berry harvesting, no doubt)? Not for today's girl. No, for $24(!!!), one should expect nothing less than make-up straight from the Mac counter and clip-on hair extensions.
What's next? Hannah Montana has done the double-identity Jem notion to death, so no need to trot that one back out. There's lots more forgotten fodder to rehash, though. Pillow People decked out in Dwell fabrics? (After all, Dwell does have a luxe-for-less collaboration with Target, so they're already used to slumming it.) Snorks? They could go eco — recycled cardboard packaging and all — and be clean ocean crusaders, or something. Herself the Elf? Wuzzles?
I wish I could say that at this point, nothing could faze me. But I know that in a year's time, I'll be back on the toy aisle and my once-beloved Poochie doll will be staring back at me, sporting collagen implants, lash extensions, highlights and a pair of Kanye shades. And then, my brain will break.
Don't let 'em get you, Poochie!
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